helwen

Interesting conversations over the past week... the question of when to make eye contact, when not too, and for how long, for instance. In interviews and when first meeting someone, you should make eye contact for at least long enough to acknowledge the other person. But like interacting with dogs or cats, it's best to not retain that eye contact for overlong, as it can be taken as a challenge. A friend of mine mentioned focusing instead on the person's left or right temple (I suppose it depends on how you're facing one another), as useful trick for looking without starting, which I thought was pretty good. I tend to "pull back" my attention to view the person's hands and overall posture -- not useful for everyone, but it does give one something to do besides look someone in the eye.

I've also developed a whole set of speaking bits, but that's complicated, and depends a lot on the subject matter of the conversation.

I've never particularly had a problem with most very-direct people, myself, but I can always choose to break eye contact myself if I feel a need to -- then again, I don't have much reason to feel threatened by most people with whom I might interact...

OTOH, I'm also missing some of the information some folks are sending, despite my best efforts, so there's that... I never notice real flirting, taking all interest in conversation pretty much at face value. I say "real", because on occasion friends and I would "flirt", but my rule was that I only did that with people who were clear that I had no actual interest in them in that way. One of my friends says I have great flirting skills, but how would I know? If they're some of the same skills as used for regular interactions, then cool :D

Just remembered some of my learned behaviors... I'd read somewhere some tips for interviews: sit upright, look attentive, and don't fidget, so I practiced that. It helps to know what your personal nervous habits are, but if you don't, ask a friend. I remember I preferred interviews at a table because if I really needed to fidget a little, I could twiddle my fingers under the table. If I put my hands on the edge of the table, I kept them still -- no playing with the pen! I also had to remember to never touch/twiddle my hair...

And shifting position in your chair was okay as long as you didn't do it more often then every 10 minutes or so, or perhaps in response to the interviewer wanting to hand you a paper or show you something.

I've slacked on some of this over the years, but it still comes in handy at SCA events and around town. Talking to people is hard work!